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Whoo!
(PRETTY ONE PLAYING)
(TURNS MUSIC DOWN)
Nice.
Thanks.
I don't know how in the hell you work this way, but...
It relaxes me.
Here,
let me fix your tie.
Try not to get paint on me.
Relax, okay?
(INHALES LOUDLY) Hmm, what are you going to do tonight?
Just going to hang out?
Uh, like you really care.
Don't start with me.
I'm not.
You are.
Now, I told you about this weeks ago.
Remember?
(SCOFFS)
What?
You got a little something going on the side, Steven?
Hmm? You can tell me.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, I got something going on the side. It's called family,
and I cannot get out of it, okay?
How many times you want to hear that?
You know what?
Your family fucked up or something?
Hmm? Is that why you're being so secretive?
Hey, you just trust me, okay?
(PANTS UNZIPPING)
Do not get paint on me.
Okay.
Sweetie...(CLEARS THROAT)
I've got to get going, now.
What? Right this second?
Yes. Right this second.
Okay, you know what? Fine. Have yourself a real ball.
Get out of here.
(CHUCKLES)
You're a wonderfully cruel woman.
* You talk about the weather As if we weren't together
* Why don't you look up And see *
I can't even take a piss straight.
I'm vibrating to fucking death here.
Shut up, Rolfe. You're driving me crazy.
You diminutive French snail.
You know, Maurice?
You're the one who said we could do it in eight hours.
I could have walked faster.
That is your problem for going so slow.
You need to cool.
(WOMAN YELLING)
Come on, you bastard!
(MOTORCYCLE REVVING)
What are you stopping for?
Go on ahead. I'll catch up with you.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
(WHISTLING)
(DRUM SOLO PLAYING)
KITTY: Steven.
Good to see you.
Jerry Robin Jr.
I have known so many little people professionally,
but what I didn't know is there are over 100,000 little people
in North America alone.
(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, Mom.
Well, if it isn't Mr. Late.
I'm not that late.
Hello, Steven. Where's your brother?
What? He's not here yet?
I can't believe he would be late to a convention.
Something must be wrong.
There's nothing wrong.
How you doing, girls?
Your favorite, dear, egg salad.
-(CHUCKLES) -Wow.
And now, let's cut that rug courtesy of The Lobsters.
(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, everybody. Hello, girls.
How you doing tonight, Steven?
Doing the best I can, Bobby.
How about yourself?
Doing all right. Thank you.
Hey, Bobby, do you see this blonde coming up here?
Oh yeah.
She's been asking us to introduce you to her since the last convention.
No kidding?
She's an ice skater in one of those shows.
-Holiday... -Holiday On Ice.
Kitty! Bobby, say hello to the indomitable Miss Kitty Katz.
Well, hello, Mr. President.
The pleasure's mine.
See her tits?
Hello, ladies.
My daughters.
Why don't you girls go out and dance and have some fun?
Yeah, girls.
You ready?
Let's cut a rug.
(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
You too.
I could use a good stiff one.
-Oh, I mean a cocktail. -(CHUCKLES)
(MAN WHISTLES)
Hey, Steven!
Over here!
Hey, Rolfe!
Rolfie...
My friend, you are in the doghouse.
Mom and Pop are pissed.
That's great. Steven, this is Maurice. Maurice is an asshole.
Bonjour.
Hey, the asshole is the strongest muscle in the human body.
Do you think there's any food left?
Oh, man, I really couldn't tell you, man.
My name's Lucy.
Hi, Lucy.
Hey, don't, don't go ripping off food now.
Hey, you can't steal food. Food's from God.
It's plentiful. God wants me to eat.
Come on. Let's go.
What the fuck's going on, man? You want to go grab a drink somewhere?
No. I'm kind of tired. I...
What about tomorrow?
Oh, man, I can't tomorrow. Tonight's my last night.
I've got a class I've got to put through finals all week.
(LUCY TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
What's the story anyway, man?
What the hell happened? Where you been?
That's what happened.
What do you mean, that's what happened?
-You drove this thing 400 miles? -Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, Maurice builds them,
and I can't afford to put out for a car right now, so I figured, what the hell?
Hey, you laugh, man. It got me here.
Man, give mom and dad a call, let 'em know you're all right. And for Christ sake
don't let them know you're riding around on this thing. Mom'll shit.
Yeah, well, don't you go telling them either.
Don't I go telling them?
MAURICE: Assholes!
All of you, fucking assholes!
Where you staying tonight?
We're going to find a cheap motel,
and then I'm going to give Sally a holler...
Ah...
...Sack over there for a few nights.
Yeah, you might as well get used to it.
You two are going to end up together no matter what happens.
(GLASS BREAKING)
They alleged that we were stealing food.
-It's good to see you, man. -Yeah.
And try and make it a little sooner next time.
We can shake it up a little bit.
I know. Well, next year.
Have a good time with Sally, buddy. You know where to find me.
Careful, buddy.
So did you have good time?
Was it everything you expected?
Hmm, it was okay.
Whatever it was. (CHUCKLES)
-Steven? -Hmm?
I don't want us keeping secrets from each other.
Maybe, it's too late to start obsessing, okay?
You're the one making it happen.
Would you just let it go, okay?
I can't.
You're playing me.
I know it. I just can't figure out why.
You do not think that I'm seeing someone?
No, of course not.
Hey, you know how we're always talking about our future
and what we're gonna do and where we're gonna live...
-Yeah. -...and all that other stuff?
Can we talk about this later?
No, we need to talk, Steven.
-Right now? -Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
Carol, all right.
CAROL: Mmm-hmm.
(WHISPERING) This better not be an all-night marathon or I am going to kill you.
No, it won't. I promise.
All right. What do you got then?
(CHUCKLES) Um...
(CLEARS THROAT)
I think maybe I'm pregnant.
Oh, Man.
We've been using protection.
Yeah, except for those two or three times a week
when you wake me up in the middle of the night,
and don't tell me you don't remember, either.
I thought you wanted kids, Steven?
Yeah, but not right this second. No.
Just tell me what you feel.
Well, I'm not going to tell you I'm thrilled
about an unplanned pregnancy, all right?
(SIGHS)
I thought you'd be okay with this.
We've talked about it, like, a million times.
Yeah, for the future.
I mean, this is a huge step.
Yeah, but...
...these are our baby years, Steven.
Let's just do it.
Jesus Christ, Carol, I mean...
...this is the sort of thing that people talk about,
you know, before they jump into it.
Well, that's what we're doing now.
Yeah, after the fact. It's done.
ROLFE: Whoa, we're being invaded.
A menage a trois.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
(CHUCKLES) I've never been to Hollywood before.
Hollywood's a toilet.
Hey! Says you. I feel glamorous just being here.
She locked me out of my bedroom, man.
Oh, that's sad.
That woman does it to me all the time.
You got to get a new woman, like me.
Hey, baby, what's up?
Jesus Christ.
(WHOOPING)
-MAURICE: Hello? -Whoo-hoo!
(WHISTLES) Hello?
Hello?
Can we have a room?
See that sign?
We don't allow prostitution in here.
You think I'm a prostitute? Huh! Wow.
You didn't tell me you were a prostitute.
Oh, man, she ain't a prostitute.
We just want a room.
I only have one room.
You have to share.
You only got one?
How much, man?
One lady,
and two little children?
Hey!
I'll make a special price for you.
-95 bucks. -These are not my children.
Ooh.
(STRAINING)
You got any rubbers?
No, I don't, and if you start fucking that girl
while I'm trying to sleep, I'm gonna kill you.
(CHUCKLES) Then you put your headphones on and face the wall, my friend,
'cause tonight, I'm feeling good.
I'm glad someone is.
Oh, God, I feel so much better.
I'm going to take a shower.
(HUMMING)
Hey, Lucy. You notice how we stalk one another?
-(MEOWS) -(CHUCKLES)
For you.
-For moi . -Oui.
I like to drink.
It smells good.
Salud.
Oh, say, that's smooth. What is this?
It's an original creation of mine.
Imported cherry-flavored morphine syrup from France...
...and cognac.
Ooh...
I just wish I had a fucking crepe.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
You're a very interesting man. You're very direct.
I think you have a lot of owl medicine in you.
(MOUTHING) Come here. Come here.
You're so pretty.
LUCY: Hmm.
Oh.
-What? -Fuck.
-What is it, your back? -No.
Does your back hurt?
Here, stand up, stand up.
It's gonna be okay. Look, here, ready?
-(CRACKING) -Oh, God! Lucy, no. Ah!
Ah.
What did you do?
I adjusted you.
(PANTING)
Make another drink.
(GROANS)
-Here. -God...
That is better. (CHUCKLES)
Mmm...
(MOANING)
MAURICE: Daddy's back. (CHUCKLING)
Hey, Rolfe, you want a cocktail?
In your dreams.
Hmm, it's okay, look...
He's got a prescription.
Yeah? Well, that doctor he goes to, he ought to be locked up.
(MOANING)
(SQUEALING)
(LAUGHING LECHEROUSLY)
-(GROWLING) -(SQUEALING)
Now I'm real sore and I'm real tired,
so keep it down...
MAURICE: Hmm.
...And no smoking.
(MOANING)
LUCY: Shh, quiet.
MAURICE: Oh! Merde.
(LUCY GIGGLING)
Merde... (GRUNTS)
Fuck.
(GASPS)
Hey, buddy, are you all right?
(RETCHING)
Hey, Maurice.
What's the matter with him?
Uh, he's got ulcers, a herniated disk.
It's just little people shit, but he's just too stubborn to take care of himself.
-You all right? -Bed.
-Huh? -Bed.
You're bleeding, man.
Oh, fuck...
You're bleeding. I'm going to call a doctor.
Yeah, hello. Could you get me the number, please, of a Dr. Carl Morris in Encino?
(YELLING)
Rolfe!
No fucking doctors!
No doctors!
(MAURICE GRUNTS)
Jesus Christ, man. I'm just trying to fucking help you.
I'm getting out of here.
So hot.
(PANTING)
(DOG BARKING)
WOMAN: Who is it?
Hey, it's me, Rolfe.
-Rolfe. -(BARKING)
Let me in.
Be quiet, Buster.
Oh, I wasn't sure I'd ever see you again. Mmm.
Well, I'm back.
I saw your article in Harper's about the Republicans.
Becoming very successful.
Yeah, well, you need to get syndicated. That's the ticket.
Oh, look at the little love nest.
Come on, Rolfe. I don't have a boyfriend, okay?
You know, I don't see two beds.
Well, he sleeps on the couch.
Lighten up, Rolfe. God.
We aren't close like that.
I let him fuck me twice, okay?
I felt sorry for him.
His whole family was evicted from their apartment in the Gaza Strip.
-I mean, how would you feel? -(SCOFFS)
You know what, Sally? You need to cut loose from all this crazy shit
that seems to follow you around.
It wouldn't be like that if we were together again.
Come on, Rolfe. I'm ready for an adult relationship.
Yeah, well, it sure looks like it.
(DOOR OPENING)
-Sally? -Oh, my God.
-It's Adrissi. -Sally?
Let me come talk with him.
Uh-uh. You wait here. (WHISPERING) Be quiet.
(EXHALES LOUDLY)
Uh, what are you doing here?
I have quit my job.
Adrissi, how do you expect to get your own place
if you can't keep a job more than one day?
Do not give to me this shit, all right?
I just need money for the bus now.
"Do not give to me this shit?" Adrissi, I have to pay my phone bill.
All right, I will pay you back, in your G spot.
Fine, I won't pay my phone bill. What do you care?
Rolfe, give me a couple of bucks.
-Keep your mouth shut. -(WHISPERING) Jesus Christ...
You...you...you need some money, man? How much do you need?
Who is this man in your bedroom? Huh?
ROLFE: (STUTTERING)
Let's cut the bullshit
and you just tell him what you just told me and get it over with.
What is this man doing in your bedroom?
It's none of your business, okay?
So why don't you get your shit together
and get the hell out before I call the cops.
No. I want to know now why this man is in your bedroom.
Well...
It's because we are going to fuck, okay?
Is that what you want to hear?
(STUTTERING) Adrissi, we're not fucking.
So get your unemployed ass out of my apartment now.
But all those things that you told me in the darkness.
You said I was the sexiest stud you had. You opened your heart to me.
You better keep your mouth shut, Adrissi.
You told me I was a hunk, Sally.
Shut the fuck up!
In a while, man,
-this ain't going to seem like such a big deal. -Rolfe, don't.
-You fucked Sally! -(GRUNTS)
You fucking whore!
Ah! You've really done it now, Sally.
No. You get out of my way now.
(GASPS)
Stop it. Get off of him.
Stop it.
(GRUNTS)
Get your hands off of him. Stop it.
No. Get off of him.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
(GROANING)
Huh, I'm out of here.
But Rolfe, you got to tell the cops what he did to us.
You know what, Sally?
Why don't you tell the cops?
Wait two minutes
then look to see if two visible lines have formed in the tube.
Two visible lines indicate a positive test for being knocked up.
(WHISTLE BLOWING) Let's go, Chuck. Let's go.
You think you've got what it takes
to be a firefighter, Chuck? I don't think so.
Come on, fat boy.
Didn't I tell you to lose some of that blubber four months ago?
Yes, I did and you have not.
How in the hell are you going to be any good
to anybody else if you can't put goddamn dirt on a fire?
Stop. Get out the horseshoe and get the hose. Get your ass up the hill.
Your execution is piss poor. Fires are still burning.
Not only are you slow, but you suck at it.
You're going up to the 18th floor, Chuck.
You've got a woman and child.
What?
What do you think you're doing?
What?
You're being a total asshole.
Take five, Chuck.
(BUZZING)
-Hi. -Hi.
Is Steven still around?
Oh no, he left already.
He'll be back in a week.
-A week? -Who are you?
I'm Rolfe. I'm his brother.
Who are you?
Oh, I'm... I'm Carol.
Listen, Carol, do you think I could come in?
I'm a little messed up right now.
Yeah, I was going to ask you about that.
Thank you.
You were attacked?
Oh, my god, you're kidding?
Does it look like I'm kidding?
Well, hey, come on. Let me, uh...
So, what, you got mugged or something?
You could say that. A guy tried to kill me.
Judging from those bruises on your neck I'd say he was pretty serious.
Well, he's probably in jail by now.
Um, so,
are you and Steven,
uh...blood brothers?
Well, you could say that, we're...
We're twins.
Wow.
God, I...I can't believe that.
We've been living together since last May.
We're getting married in the summer.
Well, he didn't mention anything.
No, but maybe he wanted it to be a surprise.
Listen, um... Are your parents, um...
What, little?
Yeah.
Steven, he's the big guy in the family.
Listen, Carol, do you think it would be okay if I...
...I sat down for a while? I've nowhere else to go just at the moment.
No. Sure. Um...
Stay as long as you like.
I, um...I have to go out for a few hours,
but I'd really like to talk to you.
(SIGHS)
Oh, God, this feels good.
Would you like something to eat? Do you want some coffee?
Rolfe?
(CHILDREN'S MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTING)
Good morning, Romeo.
Hmm, bonjour.
How do you feel? Do you feel better?
No, I feel like death.
That's great. That's a great transition.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Maid.
I'm sorry. Please move along. We're making a love nest in here.
It's 3:00 and I want to go home.
Go away. We are eating each other.
(GIGGLES)
Where's Rolfe?
He left because you were mean to him.
(KNOCKING) Check-out time is 12 o'clock.
(GROANS) Merde, I'll kill him.
You're paying an extra night.
Hey. Hey, what are you doing? Put that away.
Open the fucking door or I'm calling the cops.
Hey, you go away. You called me a prostitute last night. I heard what you said...
Open up!
Bastard! I have had enough of name-calling, you understand?
(GROANS)
What the hell?
LUCY: I've had enough of peace loving, you understand?
I'm calling you a prostitute.
(GROANING)
You're a prostitute.
Come on.
Get your shit together. You want to get pinched?
You were so beautiful out there.
Come on, Maurice.
Tres bien.
...that's called the BA.
Now, you want to check your regulator every day.
Now, rule number one with the regulator is never use oil in it.
You use oil in this regulator, and you're going to end up in a situation.
I'm gonna take five.
Carol, what's going on. Is everything okay?
Your brother dropped by this morning.
Did you drive all this way to tell me that?
I think you could have let me know that everyone in your family is a midget.
Well, they're not midgets, Carol. They're dwarfs.
Whatever.
It suddenly occurred to me that it's a genetic thing, right?
Yeah, it's a genetic thing.
Okay, so just tell me.
If you and I have a kid together, is it going to be a midget?
Carol, don't say midget, say dwarf.
Look, just answer the goddamn question, Steven.
It's possible.
It's definitely possible.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Look, Carol. Hey...
If it makes you feel any better, I was going to tell you.
-Really? -Yeah.
So why didn't you?
I don't know. I guess, I didn't think it was that important, you know.
You didn't think it was important?
Don't start passing judgment on me, Carol.
Hey, I'm not passing judgment on you, okay?
I'm just trying to understand.
Look, you know, I honestly don't know why I didn't mention it.
I guess I didn't think it was the right time.
What's going on here, Steven?
Don't you want to be in a relationship with me?
Where in the hell did that come from, Carol?
You know what? You go ahead and do whatever you want. You do what you want.
What, you just don't care?
Now, you know I care, you know damn right I care,
but I'm not going to sit here and jump through hoops
because you're threatening me. No.
Who's threatening you? I was not threatening you.
You were. You know, this whole will-to-motherhood thing, Carol.
It's becoming quite an obsession.
(SCOFFS) I thought that's why we were getting married.
Look, there's other reasons that people get married.
We could always adopt.
What, and never have children of our own?
I just don't know if that's gonna be possible.
What did you think I was going to do when I found out your family were all midgets?
Did you think I'd just walk away?
Look, Carol, you keep saying midgets,
you're going to piss a whole bunch of people off...
I really don't care about that stuff, okay?
Okay.
Would it really be that big of a deal if our kid was a dwarf?
Look, it's not something you just walk into.
Well, you could have told me.
I've got...
I've got to go back to work, okay?
I'll call you when I get some time to talk, all right?
(SOFTLY) Go home.
Okay...
Catch me if you can.
(LAUGHING)
I can't believe I didn't see it.
What?
What a treasure you are.
(GIGGLES)
Tell me where you come from.
Well, my body's originally from New York,
(CHUCKLES)
but I've been commuting for the last three years in Phoenix.
-Phoenix? -Hmm.
Tell me about Phoenix.
Well, my ex-old man, Jerome, he used to whittle wood jewelry.
See, he whittled all this for me. He even whittled me a wedding ring.
See the splinter?
(LAUGHS)
Then he turned really evil.
He was a truck driver and those guys are all on crank and there's those,
you know, transsexual prostitutes that...
Anyway, he flipped out and thought I was an alien walk-in.
You don't want to hear this story?
No. No, I do.
What?
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
-(SCREAMS) -Hmm...
Oh, really? No, I... I'm sorry you're lonely.
Yeah, well, maybe your...
Your security guard pal...
No, maybe he could come over and comfort you.
No, really.
Sally, I'm not being snide.
No...
(CHUCKLES)
You know, okay, I'm a bastard.
All right. Yeah,
I'm a motherfucker. I'm a dick, too.
Yeah, I'm a fuckwad!
I'm a fucking fart!
Sally, I'm going to hang up.
I... Sally?
I'm sorry. I, uh...
(SIGHS)
That was the girl that tried to have me killed this morning.
Oh, wow. I guess you have good reason to be cross with her.
Look, I'm sorry if I acted weird this morning.
Oh, it's all right.
I was just in shock is all.
Meeting me.
I'm pregnant, okay? Um...
It was something we were making plans for. We just, uh...
We weren't planning on it happening now.
Right. And, uh, Steven, he never told you about me?
No, but Steven's a normal-sized guy,
so maybe a child of ours wouldn't be affected.
(SIGHS)
Well, I'm not sure that's how it works.
Well, I mean, what do I know?
You know, I'm not a doctor.
I know some people, though, who are, you know,
they'd refer you to a specialist or something.
I could ask them.
Yeah.
Congratulations...
By the way.
Thanks. (LAUGHS)
You know, we could have just gotten this information over the phone.
Yeah, we could, but
what you need now is a real support network.
Hope my Uncle Bobby don't yell at me.
Huh?
Now, don't freak out, it's not like we're all dysfunctional
or anything like that.
Why's he going to yell at you?
I didn't make the convention Sunday night.
The con...What convention?
It's a, It's a thing for the little people.
It's kind of an annual thing where they all get together
from all over the country and they chat,
meet old friends, you know, catch up.
Asshole.
We're here.
Rolfe's here!
My dad's in the backyard.
Okay.
Margaret, this is Carol.
Carol, this is Margaret. Margaret's my cousin.
Hi, there.
Hi.
So, you and Steven are getting married?
Yeah.
I think maybe he wanted it to be a surprise.
Why?
Now that you're expecting a baby,
having to grope around in a fog of uncertainty.
If I have this baby and it turns out to be little,
what does that mean in terms of raising him?
There'll be rough patches, there's no doubt about it.
But that's what life is all about, dealing with hardship.
If a person can't deal with that, then they can't ever be happy.
Would you have had us again, Daddy?
I'd have to think long and hard about that, kiddo,
long and hard.
-All right. -(ALL LAUGH)
I think what Carol's thinking about
is the medical aspects of the situation.
Yeah, that's totally what I'm thinking about.
Well, I can give you a list of doctors to call
and provide you with some literature on organizations.
That's a good idea.
-Look at it when you get a chance. -I will.
Thank you. Thanks.
Look, Carol, if you ever need anybody to talk to,
I want you to call me, okay?
Yeah.
I mean it.
I'm sorry.
Sweetheart, you don't have anything to be sorry about.
I'm just so embarrassed.
Why on earth would you feel embarrassed?
Oh, because here I am questioning whether or not
to bring a person into the world who's just like you.
Oh, God, what that must sound like.
You're only concerned about your baby.
That's natural, honey.
I just want my kid to have a happy, productive life.
Of course you do.
There's nothing about being little
that precludes being happy or productive.
Yeah.
Look at us.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hi, Steven.
Hey, sweetie. How you doing?
-Okay. - Good, good.
Have you been thinking about things?
A little bit, you know. I mean, it's been
pretty busy up here. Um...
Say, how'd it go with Rolfe?
He's asleep on the couch.
Well, good for him. Good for him.
What? Is that a problem?
No, no. That's not a problem. No problem at all.
We went for brunch this afternoon
in your uncle's house.
God, they were so nice.
Bobby invited me to a party,
at Jerry Robin Jr.'s house tomorrow night.
I was kind of hoping we could all go together.
Tomorrow night?
Yeah.
Well, sure, Carol. I tell you what. Why don't I just meet you there.
Um, you know what?
My battery is just about to die on me, so I will see you tomorrow.
Sleep tight and sweet dreams, sweetie. (PHONE CLICKS)
(DIAL TONE)
Okay.
(GRUNTS)
That was smart.
You want to go to a party tomorrow night?
(GASPING)
That looks like the mothership.
-You look beautiful. -Thanks.
You said these parties got a little wild. I never expected this.
Jerry sure can throw a party.
This puppy's loud.
You know, Jerry,
I think you might be a little too old for me.
Too old?
Well, you done hurt my feelings.
Oh, excuse me.
-Hey, baby. -Hey, sweetie.
Ooh, have you been drinking?
No, silly. I can't drink. I'm pregnant.
Yes, you are.
Listen, I want to introduce you to a couple of my students.
Darlene, Bernadette... This is my fiancee, Carol.
-Hi. -Hi.
That's my favorite dress.
(LAUGHS)
There's sure a lot of midgets around here.
Um, actually, it's little people.
There we go. Look who's brushing up on the terminology.
Is that Jerry Robin, Jr. sitting over there?
It sure is.
I'm going to get an autograph.
-Hey. -Yeah?
You want to get a drink or something?
I'd love to get a drink.
-Hey, Sally. Hey, Rolfe. -Hey.
Hey, have you seen Maurice and Lucy?
Oh, no, not again.
What happened to your eye?
He was defending my honor.
Yeah. Want to get a drink?
Yeah, sure.
MAURICE: That bourgeois shit makes me want to vomit. Do you hear me?
You don't approve of my methods
and I don't approve of your methods.
Would you mind not doing that, please?
Oh... Doing what?
Waving your finger in people's faces. It's rude.
Hey, you better back off, Goldie Hawn.
My man can do what he wants to do.
MAURICE: Listen to me, because I want you to know
what I think about your organization.
You go "We are the little people.
"Please, we are so cute and cuddly.
"Don't discriminate against us."
Our organization has battled long and hard
to sweep away those stereotypical images.
Another thing,
I think the term little people is demeaning.
Carol, Sally.
KITTY: What sort of political activity do you suggest we create
once we disband because we're so bourgeois?
What you people don't understand
is that political power, it grows out of the barrel of a gun.
KITTY: Yeah, right. Now you want us to go out and commit violence in the street.
We don't do that here.
Americans don't do that.
Oh, Americans...
Yeah, the people that saved your ass during World War II.
Oh, now you want to talk about the fucking war?
Why are we talking to this guy?
He is very passionate.
Don't you patronize me.
-Yeah. -KITTY: Who do you think you are?
-I am French... -MAN: Take it outside, Man.
...And I'm proud to be French.
I'm proud not to eat this disgusting swill
you people call cuisine. I am proud.
-Excuse my friend. -Fuck!
Fucking asshole!
Bobby is my uncle and besides being my uncle, he happens to be a great guy.
Ah, he is nothing.
Oh, fuck! Who the fuck are you anyway?
Hey, I know who I am and I know what I am.
I am a Marxist! Who are you?
I don't want to hear about it. Just, just lay off.
I don't even wanna see you the fuck near him. You got it?
Fine.
So have you known Rolfe a long time?
Yeah. We used to date in high school.
-Oh, really? -Mmm-hmm.
He went to high school?
-Yeah. That was ages ago. -(BOTH LAUGHING)
I'm just waiting...
What's the matter, Steven? You got some kind of identity crisis going on?
What are you talking about?
Why didn't you tell your girlfriend about us?
What's it to you, man?
Okay, forget about us. Forget about family. You just focus on this.
You knocked up this great gal, and you didn't tell her
that her baby's probably going to be little.
Now, how the hell is that any of your business?
Oh I'm sorry, I'm your brother.
You know and it hurts like hell to think you're so fucking ashamed of us.
Goddamn you, Rolfe.
Man, sometimes you are so fucking full of shit.
-I'm full of shit? -Yeah, full of shit.
All right, look, just because I'm not one of these guys
who has to bare his soul to everybody I meet...
I'm not like you, Rolfe.
I'm sorry. I should have been more careful.
I should have kept it in mind that anyone who meets you
has got to just automatically know
that you got a twin brother who's a fucking midget.
You know, when she saw me, she got it straight up...
And I just...
I just...
Introduced her to some people who could answer some questions for her,
and that's it.
Look, it's my life too, okay?
If you want to blame someone for being nosy, then blame me.
I needed information. I made sure I got it. Rolfe didn't do anything.
You don't have to defend me.
I can if I want.
I'm going to find Sally. I'm going to take Sally home.
Look, you want me to drive you?
No. I'll take a cab.
Sally! Sally!
Are you mad at me now?
No, I'm not mad. I'm...
I'm just bewildered.
Look, Carol, I wish I had some answers, all right, but I don't.
All right? Not right now. Come here.
Yeah, well, it's been a crazy week.
Yeah.
Jesus, Steven.
It's going to be all right, baby.
I'll make it up to you. Just give me some time.
I...
I can't find her anywhere.
She's got to be around here somewhere.
I saw Sally go over there a little while ago.
Thanks, Augie.
Look, you go get the car, okay?
I'm going to help Rolfe find his girlfriend.
Sally!
Rolfe? Hey, Rolfe, wait up
(COUPLE MOANING)
Whoa.
Oh shit.
-What's up, man? -Oh, Rolfe. Rolfe...
That's it. I'm done with you, Sally.
Rolfe? Rolfe?
Hey, Rolfe, wait up.
What's going on?
Rolfe just caught Sally screwing Jerry Robin, Jr.
He's really broken up.
Shit.
(SIGHS) Let's just go, okay?
You got the ticket, sweetie?
Yeah.
Have a good night, sir.
Listen, can you wait for me just a second?
Yeah, sure.
Say, man.
Carol told me what happened. That was pretty fucked up.
What a bitch, huh?
I was stupid to think anything could be different or change.
Do you think I'm stupid?
You're asking me if I think you're stupid?
You're taking too long to answer. Fuck you.
Come on. Get in the car and come home with us.
I'm waiting for a cab.
Fuck the cab. Come home with us, man.
You sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
You've already been on the sofa, haven't you?
Hey, you're awake.
What's going on?
I can't sleep.
Why? What's the matter?
It's not too late to think about adopting.
Look...
I'm not one of those crazy anti-abortion people, Steven, you know that.
-Hmm. -But I want this baby.
Having a fucked-up kid is no bed of roses, Carol.
Hey, do not apply the term "fucked up" to our child, okay?
You know what I mean.
Well, what was Rolfe's childhood like?
Did the other kids give him a hard time?
No, not really...
But there are other problems with being little besides the social stuff, you know?
Like what, medical stuff?
Yeah.
I mean, when Rolfe was a kid...
He was in a lot of pain. He used to cry all the time.
Why? Being a little person hurts?
Well, yeah.
See, they've got...
They've got organs, musculature, that's too big for their skeleton.
Yeah, right, but they have drugs for that, don't they?
Yeah. It's called morphine...
And sometimes, they need surgery.
What do you mean? Did Rolfe need surgery?
No, thank God. No.
Then what were his teenage years like?
Rolfe as a teenager?
The guy got laid two years before I did.
(CHUCKLES) With Sally?
Absolutely.
You should have seen those two.
They were hysterical. They were like this...
...this dysfunctional old couple, you know.
This one time in school,
they couldn't have been more than 15 years old,
it was between classes,
and Sally corners Rolfe
and she screams at the top of her lungs,
she says, "Rolfe Bedalia, you haven't fucked me in five months!"
Oh, the principal was there, all the kids were there,
you should have seen Rolfe's face, man. It was beautiful.
I was so god damn jealous of that guy.
Have you ever been involved with a little person sexually?
No. Just kids' stuff, you know.
Mmm...
You know, all the kids would come over,
we'd sit in a circle, play doctor.
Oh, my God, we couldn't have been more than ten or 12, so that doesn't really count.
So you had a circle jerk with a bunch of little people?
I would've loved to see that.
You would like to see that.
(LAUGHING) I sure would.
Are you sure you want to do this?
Yeah.
I really am.
You sure you're not just, trying to make some weird political statement?
Oh, God. What a peculiar thing to say.
I'm a peculiar guy.
I'm serious.
Look...
I think you have a lot of ambivalence about your family being little.
It's not healthy and I think you should consider getting some help.
Are you saying you think I need to see a shrink?
God, there's nothing wrong with seeing a shrink, okay?
Don't you see?
It's not a good thing for a child if he's little
to have a father who's ambivalent about little people.
I hope you'll at least consider it.
KATHLEEN: So, tell me, Carol, what is it exactly you do for a living?
CAROL: I'm a painter.
KATHLEEN: A painter?
What, do you mean like fine art?
Uh-huh.
Did you go to school?
Yeah, to the New York School of Art and Design.
I'm impressed.
You mean, you make money at that?
Yeah. It pays the bills.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Lefarge.
-Welcome. I'm Steven. -KIRK: How do you do?
-Very well. -SYLVIA: Carol said you were handsome.
Isn't he handsome? Oh, my God.
Y'all come on in. How was the drive?
-Not bad. Not bad at all. -Good.
-Mom. Dad. -Hi, sweetie.
Oh, there you are.
Oh, honey, you look beautiful,
just beautiful. (LAUGHS)
So, um... This is Steven's father, Bruno, and his mom, Kathleen,
Um, and over behind the bar is Steven's brother, Rolfe.
-Hi. -How are you?
Everyone, this is my mom and dad, Kirk and Sylvia.
SYLVIA: Nice to meet you.
So, what are y'all drinking?
Let me have a Seven and Seven.
Sylvia?
She'll have a vodka tonic.
Vodka tonic coming up.
I'll help you.
So you want to come out back? We're all set up out there.
Thought she might want a double.
You all right?
Mm-hmm.
So, there's pretty good money in this firefighting business, is there?
Oh, actually, I train cadets to be firefighters.
You know, fires are pretty much recession-proof.
-It's pretty steady, yeah. -(LAUGHS)
Where'd you learn all this stuff?
In the navy.
-You a Navy man? -Yes, sir.
Well, what do you know? A Navy man myself.
-All right. -Where were you stationed?
Steven, get me some of that barbecue sauce from the kitchen.
Pop's pretty much a fanatic when it come to barbecue.
(LAUGHING)
You could have prepared us for this, don't you think?
I didn't think it was important.
If you embarrass me, I'll never speak to you again, so get it together, Mom, okay?
Always the nonconformist.
How's everybody's drink?
Still working on mine, thanks.
Sylvia?
(CHUCKLES)
BRUNO: Where's that sauce, Steven?
STEVEN: I'm on it, Pop.
Okay, everybody, hors d'oeuvre time.
Everybody, please gather around.
I would like to propose a toast.
Hey, Rolfie!
To a very beautiful young woman and a very fine young man
who are very much in love, and who, hopefully, as the years go by,
will find the same joy and happiness
that Steven's mother and I have found these past 30 years.
-Amen. -KIRK: Hear, hear.
(LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)
There once was a young fellow from Sparta.
No, Kirk.
Who was a real whiz as a farter.
He'd fart anything from God Save the King
to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
and then a Handelian cantata.
(MOUTHING) I'm so embarrassed.
Boost up his ass,
blast Bach's B Minor Mass,
and in counterpoint, La Traviata.
(ALL LAUGHING)
That has to be the last one.
Obviously, he can't drink any more.
Yes, he can.
No, no. This is getting better. Yes.
No. Give him some water. My God...
You have no idea what you're...
Yes, drink what?
You know, these steaks are really delicious.
Genuine prime rib. I had it brought in from Omaha.
I'm stuffed like a pig.
Save some room for dessert, Rolfe.
Oh, no, I can't. I can barely breathe, I'm so full.
Is everything all right, Sylvia?
Oh, yes. I... I was just thinking is all.
Sylvia,
don't think.
I think that there's something that we need to bring up that you won't want to hear.
Mom.
I'm sorry, honey, but this has to be brought out into the open.
Now, I certainly wouldn't want anyone to think that we're prejudiced people.
Daddy!
All right, Kirk, you tell them.
You're a lot more diplomatic than I am.
Well...
The, uh... Fact of the matter is...
Uh, Carol's grandfather is getting on in years...
Please.
And, uh...
He's an Orthodox Jew,
and he's never forgiven us for going Reform,
so unless you can bring yourself to have a Jewish wedding,
would you at least consider a civil ceremony, otherwise we won't be able to invite him
I've got... I've got no problem with a Jewish wedding.
Are you sure?
(ALL LAUGHING)
Yeah, Mom?
Pop?
Carol?
Rolfe?
If he, he dies before they get married,
can we switch back to Catholic?
(ALL LAUGHING)
RABBI: When a man and a woman come together before God
and announce their intention to come together in holy matrimony...
May God bless the men and women of Israel
in every generation.
Bless this bride.
Guide them on life's journey.
Look at that wedding dress.
That's a waste of a wedding dress. Look at that belly.
I would not kick her out of bed.
You're starting to piss me off now.
Ah...
Enough with her.
But you love me.
All right, but you know what? That should be us down there, right?
Don't you ever think of marrying me?
Marriage is for morons.
-Oh... -It turns a
lover into a relative,
like a brother...
Or a sister.
I can't think of anything that takes the passion out of a relationship
more than marriage.
You may kiss the bride.
Mazel tov!
(ALL CHEER AND APPLAUD)
(INDISTINCT)
(WHOOPING)
(SIGHS)
-Oh, my God. -(BOTH LAUGH)
Hello, Mrs. Bedalia.
Nice scene, huh?
You know what? Hold on one second.
-I'll be right back. -Okay.
Rolfe!
What are you doing?
I just wanted to say thank you.
I haven't done anything.
God, you did so much and I really appreciate it.
Well, Steven's a...
He's a very lucky guy.
I just hope he's smart enough not to screw it up.
So, so what are you gonna do now?
I'm going to go to my parent's place,
a cabin, Big Bear, for the winter.
Get some writing done.
I think you're wonderful, Rolfe.
WOMAN OVER PA: Dr. Morgan, please report to the administration desk.
How you doing, Carol?
-Okay. -Steven?
We'll run some tests over the next few days.
Vincent's going to have to stay here at the clinic,
then we'll start him on a long-term regimen
that we'll keep him on through puberty.
Just hang in there, honey, okay? We can handle this.
We're talking biweekly hormone injections,
monthly blood samples to monitor his liver function.
After a while, you'll be able to administer the injections yourself.
Um, it's gonna be a big commitment.
Yeah, but we're up for that. Aren't we, Steven?
God damn it! Damn it.
-How can you two be so calm, huh? -(BABY CRYING)
Because I'm prepared, and because we don't have a choice.
I read all the books that you recommended.
Good. I think you'll be fine.
-As for you... -What about me?
Please, Steven, you're gonna frighten the baby.
(BABY WAILING)
What about me?
I think you should seek some counseling.
That's what I told him.
Look, what I need
are new chromosomes.
Oh, honey, you're making this so much harder than it needs to be.
Do you know that?
(BABY CRYING)
(BABY COOING)
I can't talk to him. He won't listen to me.
WOMAN OVER PA: Nurse Simon, please pick up line six.
Nurse Simon, please pick up line six.
(SOFTLY) How you doing, sweetie?
(WHISPERING) I'm okay. Are you okay?
How's he doing?
Let me take over for a while.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
Got him?
Yeah, I've got him.
Yeah...
(BABY CRYING)
Shh. Shh, shh...
Listen to this guy, huh?
Oh, my God. He's been going like this for two hours straight.
He hurts.
Yeah, well, I gave him the drops,
but it only seemed to help a little bit, but...
Why don't you give him something stronger?
I can't. I called them. They said it was,
normal for babies with his condition.
What?
Just say the word one time.
What?
(BABY CONTINUES TO CRY)
Just say the word one time, Carol.
What's his condition, huh?
I can't do this.
Ten months, you haven't said it one time. What's his condition?
Why is he crying? Why is he hurting?
Because he's a dwarf.
Carol, he's a dwarf.
He's a baby, and you're scaring him!
He's a baby and he's a dwarf, and that ain't why he's crying.
He's crying because he hurts.
Fuck you, Steven!
-Fuck you! -One time!
One time! Say the goddamn word!
He's a dwarf!
I'm a dwarf!
Look, this can't go on anymore.
Carol, this is not working out.
Look, no one said this was going to be easy.
We're just not getting any better.
Not between us, it's not.
Oh, Steven...
I can't take it.
I mean, it's obvious that I'm just making things worse.
(CRYING)
I just think I can do better by Vincent,
that we can do better by Vincent...
If I'm somewhere else.
And you really think that?
Yeah...
I do.
(CAR PASSING BY)
You expecting someone?
Not me.
Did you fart?
(LAUGHS)
No, I did not fart.
Enough.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Oh, uh...
Steven and I separated.
I hope this isn't too much of an inconvenience.
No, not at all.
Is it okay if we stay for a few days?
Sure. Stay. Stay as long as you like.
Thanks.
Is this my nephew?
Holy cow.
He's a good-looking kid.
Hey. Hey.
Come in.
Here you go.
So how do you guys get by so far from civilization?
It's a perfect situation for a writer.
Oh yeah. How's it going, the writing?
It's pretty good.
I'm syndicated in three papers,
The San Diegan, Fresno Bee, and the Chicago Tribune.
Oh, that's so great.
Rolfe's a middle-of-the-road kind of guy.
That's what they want.
Yeah, Maurice thinks that my views aren't radical enough.
They aren't.
Yeah, well, from what I remember of your politics,
I don't think they'd go over too well in a mainstream newspaper.
You better be careful, Maurice,
because they could lock you up in a loony bin and that's not fun.
(CHUCKLING)
You know, if Maurice had his way,
he would take all the heads of the members of Congress and put them on spears
and display them out on the White House lawn.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, that sounds like the Maurice I remember.
One day, I want to buy a place like this.
Well, until you do, you can stay here as long as you want.
MAURICE: Superb.
We need a woman around here.
Someone to do the dishes. Someone to wash the clothes.
In your dreams, pal.
You know, Maurice probably liked it in the Dark Ages
when we were scrubbing the skid marks out of your loincloth, huh?
I think the Women's Liberation Movement
is an excuse for every poor female pig
who needed a reason not to clean up after themselves.
You know what, Maurice?
Until you stop blasting a hole in the ozone layer with your toxic gas attacks,
this little maid's on an extended coffee break.
(BANGS DOOR SHUT)
(BABY CRYING)
Uh-oh.
Feeding time again.
Hey, when you drink, does he get drunk too?
I'm not drunk.
Well, maybe a little bit.
Hey, you ever hear from Sally?
Sally, no. We are...
No, we're not in contact right now.
I liked her.
She had her good points.
Yeah, well, fuckability, Maurice,
is not the be-all and end-all of being with someone.
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
Your relationship with Lucy,
it's nothing to crow about.
They fight like this all the time.
It's a shame. You seem like a really good couple.
(LOUD MUSIC CONTINUES)
Turn it down!
MAURICE: Lucy, I've had it with you.
LUCY: I am not your old lady anymore, Maurice.
(BABY CRYING)
LUCY: I am moving out of here.
MAURICE: Well, that is just super with me.
(GLASS BREAKING)
MAURICE: I can't take it anymore.
Bye, Rolfe. Thanks for everything.
Hey, Lucy, I really hate to see you leave like this.
MAURICE: I am leaving you first!
LUCY: Oh, no, you're not.
Last one who leaves is a rotten egg.
(BABY FUSSING)
(MOTORCYCLE REVVING)
(SOFTLY) Hey.
Hey, Vincent.
How are you, buddy?
Hey.
Caught in the act.
Oh, he was awake.
I figured you could use a break.
You... You go on.
Go back to bed. Really, get some rest.
-Are you sure? -Yeah.
I'm no expert on babies,
but I think we've got things covered here.
He's okay. (CHUCKLES)
(BABY COOING)
Thanks.
Good night.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
Hey, Carol.
How was your drive?
It was good.
It was uneventful, you know?
Oh...
(BABY COOING)
Look at you.
He's getting big and strong.
Yeah, he is.
Hello, Vincent.
Little man...
How are you doing?
I'm doing all right.
I'm working on it.
I'm trying to be the man that you want me to.
You've got to want it too, Steven.
You know what? I do want it.
I love you.
I know that.
I've never doubted that for a moment,
but it's not about you and me anymore.
You've got to love our child.
You don't think that I love Vincent?
No, I know that you do.
(SIGHS) It's just you can't show it.
If you can't show it, then as far as he's concerned, it might as well not exist.
Look, don't you see? Right now, you don't have a lot to offer him.
No, you're, you're wrong.
That's what I want. I...
I want to show it, all right? If you'll just give me another chance.
Look, what goes on between a parent and a child,
that's what's really important.
Vincent's got to come first.
I'm not angry with you, okay?
I'm not angry.
And I don't hate you.
So what are you going to do, Carol?
You going to live up here in the woods like a couple of hippies?
Listen to me, okay?
This way we can all still be family,
you can see your kid whenever you want,
but he can't wait around for you to get it together.
Listen, I'm his father.
Yeah, but right now, you're too self-involved, Steven.
You're too confused.
I've got too much on my hands already
without spending all my time bringing you along.
This is what you want?
This is what I think is right.
Hey, Rolfe.
Boy, what you two must think of me, huh?
What does that mean?
You're still my brother.
Coming in?
No, I don't think so.
I'm going to say goodbye to Vincent here and head on back to the city.
Are you mad at me?
No, I'm not mad.
STEVEN: I'll see you around, big boy.
Love my son.
Are you going to be okay, Steven?
I'm gonna do my best.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
You okay?
Yeah.
I'm a little shook up.
I don't think I'll be getting to sleep anytime soon.
Here...
Come with me.
Come on.
You okay?
Mmm-hmm.
It's heavenly... Absolutely heavenly.
Look at the stars so bright up there.
Rolfe?
What?
You can kiss me if you want.